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How to live if you can’t have children: frankly about the innermost

Many couples live without children. This happens due to various circumstances, but often a couple simply cannot give birth to a child. Those who cannot reconcile themselves with this change their partner in the hope that everything will work out with another person. Those who take childlessness for granted continue to live together. But is life so bad without children.

Childfree

For those who can not give birth to health, there is adoption option . But there are couples who do not knowingly give birth to children, without any health problems. And there are more and more such people every year. The name of this movement comes from the English words “child” “free”, which translates as follows: free from children.

This movement seems to some to be selfish, even disgusting. After all, as soon as young people grow up and get married, relatives and society demand from them: we must give birth! But psychologists say that reluctance to have children by some people is normal and even divide such pairs into 2 groups:

  • Those who do not like children.
  • Those who love, but do not feel discomfort from their absence.

Disputes about this do not subside. After all, there are proponents of the Childfree movement who say that there are many pluses in childlessness. There are also ardent opponents who bring negative moments of life without children. Everyone has their own truth.

Pros of childlessness

If a couple cannot have a baby, then Childfree supporters advise not to be upset, but to evaluate all the advantages of this situation:

  • In the first place, of course, independence . It is no secret that with the birth of a child, one has to give up some joys and entertainment. It is difficult to go somewhere on vacation, because with a baby the vacation turns into constant supervision of him, and as a result, there is no rest. Do not sit with friends, because the child must sleep and he needs silence. Solid "no." Life without children is freedom of action, plans, choice, movement.
  • Finance . Money that could be spent on oneself is now spent on a child. The well-known proverb about "little children" and "little poor people" also refers to finance. Growing up, the child asks for more and more expensive things in order to be no worse than others: toys, clothes, smartphones. And what about parents, not people? Who said they don't want new things or new gadgets?
  • Calm . Constant worries about a daughter or son accompany parents. What hurts, why he talked with a stranger, why he left the yard, where he stayed for the night, who is this bad guy and so on all his life. And if the child is also born sick, then eternal problems are provided to the parents.
  • Career . Employers do not want to take young girls, because they will certainly go on maternity leave, and women with a child, because they will always be on sick leave. Abandoning children is an opportunity to build a good career.
  • No liability . To be a mother is a very big responsibility, if a woman is not sure that she will manage, it is better not to give birth.
  • Activity before old age . Statistics say that childless people remain active and take care of themselves until old age. And that glass of water that everyone is talking about is brought to themselves, because they are used to relying only on themselves. Things are more complicated with couples who have children. They expect that in old age sons or daughters will look after them. Therefore, the situation when the offspring forget about their elderly parents becomes a tragedy. Suffering is not only physical, but also moral. And such situations are not uncommon.
  • Health . Doctors talk a lot about the positive effects of pregnancy on the body. But they immediately add that some diseases after childbirth can also worsen, both physiological and mental. But if future mothers know about their chronic sores, then mental problems can occur only after childbirth.

Cons of life without children

Those who know the joy of motherhood and fatherhood say they cannot imagine life without their baby. Indeed, in this case, people are deprived of many things:

  • Lack of heir . Everyone wants to pass on their experience, knowledge, material values, etc. to future generations. And to whom to transfer if there are no children? Humanity is aimed at procreation. If everyone abandons children, then what?
  • The child is the closest and closest person . Own child is even more expensive than father and mother. A child is a person who will love you very much just like that, and not for something, all his life.
  • Birth of a baby - great motivation to take care of your health. After all, now you are responsible not only for yourself, but also for the little man. Refusing bad habits, taking more walks are just some of the motivators. No child - no reason to take care of yourself.
  • Expanding the circle of friends . Without a baby, you are unlikely to meet other mothers at the playground, kindergarten, school, clinic doctors, teachers and many other people. Expanding the circle of friends will never be superfluous. A child is a great way to make new friends.
  • No meaning to life . Sometimes only your own baby makes parents move on, achieve more, achieve goals, overcome difficulties. It is he - the meaning of their life. Many share stories that only after the birth of the baby they went to study, began to earn more, achieved something, changed their lives for the better.
  • Hope and Reliance . Despite numerous stories of negligent offspring, all parents believe that it is their child who will not do this. And, having received the correct upbringing, the children really become the support that parents really need. Without children, there is no one to hope for but yourself.
  • Without children you never get that experience that comes with the birth of the baby. And most importantly, there are no emotions that the mother experiences when the first tooth is cut, when the baby starts talking and walking, when he talks about his first love and so on.

The right to choose allows us to decide for ourselves whether to give birth or not. And you do not need to constantly ask childless couples the question: when? It is possible that they simply do not want to have a child. If this is true, do not blame people, because they have as many arguments “against” the birth of children as you have “for”. it their life and their choice .

My revelation: how I existed without children

It happened all of a sudden, they usually say that about love, but I’m talking about my diagnosis. At that time, I did not suspect that this could be: since I was 17 years old I met a guy, they loved each other immensely and were going to get married. In the courtyard, they constantly only heard behind their backs a funny saying: “bride and groom” and something else there. But they just smiled, thinking how to arrange their home, both from large families, so they wanted the kids insanely. Three at least: two strong boys and a tiny daughter. And there, how to see what and how ...

After coming of age, everything happened by itself, and even a wedding date was set. Exactly six months after graduation. Yes, only in these six months has my life turned upside down. Nothing special happened, there were no bleeding, accidents or pathologies with me. They just somehow forgot to use their favorite means of protection, and here on New Year's, I probably made a mistake - I drank an emergency interrupt pill so that after intercourse I did not get an unexpected pregnancy before the wedding.

Those days became hell, the stomach was spinning incredibly, the temperature rose and the next day we went to the doctor together. After the reception, it became a little easier, the doctor took off the attack and prescribed tests: and they came. The second time we were together too, and instead of the news, what’s okay, did the doctor rub his eyes behind his glasses and ask: how long have I been taking such remedies? My answer surprised him that it was only once, and before that I, like many, had been drinking contraceptives since I was 18 years old, and now for the third month, as I took a break according to the instructions. I still remember his guilty gaze and the phrase: "You didn’t need this ... barren."

Further, I remember everything in a fog, but the reasons for this diagnosis are still ingrained in memory.

  1. Physical abnormalities. This is when the uterus is located in the wrong direction or has a bend not in front, behind, which complicates conception. Not my case.
  2. Traumatic cases. The uterus is injured after childbirth, or during an accident or other accidents, also not my story.
  3. Incorrect abortion. The epithelium, as this word was remembered only then, lays the uterus along the entire perimeter, and during an abortion together with the fetus it seems to be mechanically cleaned off and if the operation was performed by a non-specialist gynecologist, for example, in private conditions, the possibility of chronic infertility is not excluded. Also not my situation
  4. Obstruction of the fallopian tubes. Here it is my destiny ... the ovaries, which secrete the same egg for conception, are connected to the uterus by these special pipes, like in a vacuum cleaner, a stupid comparison was made by the doctor then, but similar. And if there is obstruction, then the egg simply cannot reach the right place and will die within a day. This is the same with me ...
  5. Lazy ovary. I already listened to this part half-ear, but I remembered that this also happens when the ovaries cease to secrete eggs due to colds or sexually transmitted infections.

What to do with my problem? Solve it in an operative way, expand the ducts and remove cysts that make passage difficult. However, the possibility of pregnancy is also ephemeral: in 50% of cases, the pipes are so injured that they will even have to be removed.

I left the office, looked at the girls in the queue: many were already deeply pregnant, sat happy, some even with their husbands, and glowed, literally glowed from the inside. And I ... I silently went to my fiance and burst into tears, clutching a medical sheet. He did not know the reason, and he would not have known better. Later, at home, he said that we need to try and then everything will work out, because together we will overcome everything. And then she asked: if not, if the treatment does not help? Will he be able to adopt a stranger and love? The answer to me was silence, but I clung to his previous words, like a life buoy.

Family without children

At the word “family”, as a rule, the image “mother, father and me” arises in consciousness - at least one, or even two children. This is the traditional concept of the family.

Meanwhile, in recent years, families who do not want to have children are becoming more and more.

Someone believes that such a position is selfish and even blasphemous, someone does not see anything terrible and unnatural in it. Let's try to figure out what is behind this phenomenon.

What is behind the word “necessary”?

First of all, I would like to call into question the very obligation of the appearance of children in the family.

A person and a person who is driven by more than one instinct, he has a choice. And if this ability to reflection is given to a person “in the basic configuration”, then he is able to think - should he bring a child to this world?

However, it was not so much nature as social reality that played a cruel joke with a person - the instinctive, physiological “necessary” of living nature, man replaced with “necessary” social. Physiology, by the way, does not always “require” the birth of a child. Rather, this is required by his mind and those beliefs about which he can evaluate himself positively.

For example, a child is sometimes perceived as some part of the attributes of “well-being” and “success”. You need to have a good job, a roof over your head, a car, a wife / husband and a child. And then life will be "arranged", then you can tell yourself that it has developed, that you are quite successful, in general, you can put yourself in the top five and allow yourself to demand respect from others.

In practice, I often encounter this: a woman comes who is unmarried, has not yet learned how to even build relationships with men, but already says that she needs to give birth. Yes, in general, those who have just married, or who have recently lived in a civil marriage, have not yet managed to understand who they are to each other, have not yet realized the degree of responsibility, but it is already necessary. I often ask a question: do you want? Well yes! - and not a shadow of reflection in the eyes. Stereotypes are very strong, and often people do not even bother to doubt. The prevailing ideology also leaves its mark with its propaganda of childbearing and social incentives for it.

From demanding mothers (future grandmothers) you can hear the peremptory “you are an egoist, since you don’t want children!” This often goes: “You don’t want to please me with my grandchildren”. There is a more subtle nuance - “you don’t want to meet, you don’t want to justify my expectations, so that you have everything as it should, and I could be proud of you and present you as evidence of my own fullness too.”

If a person says “I don’t want”, they don’t hang labels on him - insensitive, inferior, insolvent. But the worst thing for women is that if a woman has no children, then she definitely did not take place in the eyes of the majority. And no one asks questions about whether she really needed this maternal role, whether they really wanted to have a child. Just "necessary."

Labels of inferior ones are distributed not only by disgruntled potential grandmothers who want their children to be “normal”. And also those whose children simply “turned out”.

There is another option of a not quite healthy, in my opinion, attitude towards the appearance of the child: when the child is only a “consequence”, a “continuation” of the relationship, and they do not see an independent value in it - only attributive.

You can often hear: "I love my husband / wife so much that the best proof of my love is a child." And even more rigid can be called the option when one of the spouses, feeling some kind of crack in the marriage, tries to tie another child.

But a child cannot be either a means or evidence; he cannot be an attribute at all. Behind this attitude towards children is a sense of ownership, a desire, having given birth to a child, to appropriate at least part of a loved one, to get it at their disposal to the greatest extent possible. A child will have to love. And life is very diverse - one whom one so wanted to appropriate can be washed away by the wave of the next love or disappointment.

I remember the words of one of my client: "Mother still can not forgive me that she gave birth to me from the one who betrayed her after."

No less strange from the point of view of psychology is the idea of ​​the "abstract" desire of children. Human nature - whole, at least, is conceived of as such. If we love a person, if we feel comfortable in this love, we can go further, raise common children, sharing their own happiness and comfort with them.

But if for some reason a loved one cannot give a child to the world, does he become less loved from this? If there is a partnership, feelings, desire to share life with this particular person, it is unlikely that it would occur to abandon a loved one because of the abstract desire of children. But there is a biosocial “necessary”, and now, a harmonious couple is already on the verge of a divorce just because they were “recognized inferior”.

Meanwhile, history knew many happy childless couples, not necessarily ideologically childless, but those who simply did not have children. However, these people remained faithful to the partner to the very end, regardless of his ability to create a traditional family.

Lyudmila and Igor lived together for thirteen years. Everything was good, they were busy with each other, career, creativity. Perhaps this was the best scenario. But when a crisis ripened in the relationship, the woman finally decided to have a baby. After his birth, the crisis only worsened and they divorced. What really connected them was finally lost.It turned out that implicitly for thirteen years they had been tormented by a feeling of guilt for not wanting children - this feeling was inspired by parents and others. At the time of the crisis, guilt grew and became the reason for the decision to still have a baby. But this, alas, only worsened the situation.

Child Free Territory

It happens that children simply "do not succeed." Nature is against, or simply marriage has developed quite late and it is already physically difficult for a woman to give birth for the first time. This should not always be perceived as a tragedy. It is worth at least thinking about the possibility that nature (or God?) Protects this family from some more serious problems.

However, some are taking the most extreme measures to finally make the family "full". And in the end, overcoming this problem takes so much effort and nerves that the relationship between the spouses deteriorates completely - because over time, the husband and wife cause each other a strong association with their "disaster" that oppresses them.

You will often find those who do not reflect on their readiness to be parents, but simply do not want to burden themselves with caring for a child and see their family vocation in caring only for a husband or wife. The most reproaches of “egoism” are poured on such people, however, what’s wrong with the man and woman wanting to live for each other?

Eugene and Alexandra met when both were already under forty. The first marriages of both did not work out, there were no children in them. Then I did not want to rush, but now it was actually too late. Soberly assessing the level of her health, the woman abandoned this idea. Her husband supported her - in the end, she was more important to him, and not the abstract "full family" and not the one who is not yet, and who is unknown? - would bring them joy or sorrow. Looking at them, I see a very happy couple, you rarely see such people at the age of forty. And everyone who communicates with them, to some extent, is studying the beautiful and full-fledged relationship of a man and a woman.

This does not mean that a husband and wife who have children do not know how to do this. But, often fulfilling the “social order” and living “like everyone else”, women and men, tortured by problems, secretly enviously envy this attention, this immersion in each other, this degree of interest in childless couples in each other.

A family without children is a territory almost devoid of the concept of “debt”, as well as devoid of a “cementing element”. Here people are with each other for one reason - they feel good together. Or at least convenient. Nothing keeps them close, except for the conviction that this union is necessary, they need each other. And there is no “third force” that would hold them beside each other.

Fearfully? Maybe. This is a way without guarantees and insurance. But it is in childless couples that you most often find that true free attachment that is held by the soul and mutual respect, desire and interest. Meanwhile, a family artificially “cemented” by the need to have children (if the birth of the latter did not happen by mutual and sincere desire!) Sometimes degenerates into a community of comrades who just need to “drag” the children to independence.

I demonstrate these extremes only to show: only if children are a step conscious by partners, only if they are perceived not as an inevitable consequence of relations, and not as an “appendage” of a partner, but as full-fledged and important personalities in themselves - only then climate the family will be harmonious, and the union of partners will be strong.

Stereotypes and images imposed on us by society are too strong, and sometimes do not leave room for thought. But if you think about it, it’s a person and then a person in order to have a choice: to become a parent or not. And there is nothing terrible if he says a confident “no” to the parent function. This does not mean that the person is not an adult, not full enough. This means that for him his partner is more important, and also, possibly, career, creativity, other forms of development. You can share yourself with the world and even continue yourself in it in very different forms.

There are no good and bad paths; there is something that resembles or does not suit every particular person. And there is a specific family vocation - for some it tells you to be a parent, for someone - to become the only one for one person.

Egor, 26 years old, was deeply in love with a girl, they lived together a little over a year, the question arose of continuing in the form of a birth of a child. And with all his love, Yegor refused. The girl left him, and he was worried. But at the consultation he told me: “I do not want any lies. And if I feel that I’m not ready to become a parent, it’s better not to. Perhaps this is not my way at all. I wanted to live for her, I wanted to live for each other. Well, no matter how bitter, perhaps sometime I will meet a man whose goals coincide with mine. "

If you yourself feel the call to live only for your spouse - is it worth it to suffer from guilt and succumb to the pressure of social stereotypes? You have one life, and if you have not felt a definite and clear desire to be a parent, you are not to blame for anything.

When I first heard about the whole child-free movement, I realized that they only create a balance for the propaganda of the traditional family, and in nature everything, as you know, tends to balance.

And therefore, in response to one propaganda, we received another. None of them are good. Only one thing can be called correct - the choice of one’s own, individual and conscious path in this world, as well as the lack of condemnation of one’s personal choice.

My infertility: attempts, dreams and results

All my trips to doctors began immediately after marriage. I was the most beautiful bride in the registry office, but is she happy? I can’t say, all the time, the thought was spinning in my head that I wasn’t such that I needed to act and every day only alienated from me my long-awaited child, who is not yet there. Will he be soon? I hoped so.

Literally right after the honeymoon dedicated to all conceivable and inconceivable methods of conception, I went to the antenatal clinic and began to act, the status of a married lady strengthened me even more. Among the girlfriends, I became just crazy, not only did I get married early, I’m also going to be treated in parallel with the institute. “Why do you need a child? Take a walk while you are young! ”Sounded from all sides, but I stubbornly walked forward, furtively brushing away tears. All my girlfriends could give birth when they wanted to, but here I am. And it seemed that every year this opportunity decreases even more.

After visiting the doctors between my family and my studies, I realized the main thing: the operational method is not so scary than stuffing yourself with all kinds of chemistry in pills, from them only a hormonal malfunction begins, but pregnancy does not occur.

My husband rejected the IVF method right away: he didn’t want to go to the doctors and take something, and then my egg did not appear at all, so there was no chance. And I decided on an operation.

When I woke up, I realized that something had changed, my husband looked at me differently. My tests, trips to the doctors had exhausted him for a year and a half. He studied in absentia, worked and wanted an ordinary family, and not a girl preoccupied with sex on certain days of ovulation, and even by the hour. And also the one who wanted the baby so much that she decided to mutilate her body in such a way. The abdominal operation did not end very well, one tube broke during cleaning and had to be removed, and a long scar adorned the body.

My zero chances became negative, and my husband ... He only looked at me with his lost eyes, and I could no longer read in them love, but pity. He did not want such a life. After my discharge, we quietly divorced, and he left. I almost did not cry, only sometimes when one of my kindergarten kids sobbed in a dream, and I could not hug him to me and hug him as if I were mine.

4 stories of "childless orphans" and the therapist's view of the problem

Your children have not yet risen to their feet, and elderly parents already require care and material support? Take care of everyone around you, but don't you have a minute? You are a sandwich sandwiched between responsibilities and problems. Childless peers seem lucky to you, but are they really happy? Jody Day, a psychotherapist and founder of the British women's organization Gateway Women, answered the question.

“Who will look after my grave?”: Katie's story

Katie is 54 years old. She is not married, she has no children, and her parents died several years ago. A woman does not hide her sadness and openly says that she feels lonely and useless to anyone.

“Together with my parents, I lost my roots,” says Katie. “Now I feel like in a vacuum and nothing is holding me here. I think if I disappeared, no one would even notice this.”

"When I asked her at what point she realized the severity of her situation, Katie replied that this happened during the baptism of her great-niece," said psychotherapist Jodi Day. .

“It was not easy for me to cope with the surging emotions,” Kathy herself recalls. “I even had to go outside for a while so as not to attract too much attention. I wandered around the church cemetery and read the tombstones on the machine. In which "At that moment I realized that almost all the epitaphs were addressed to loving mothers, dear grandparents. I compared the manicured graves and those that were overgrown with grass: it was then that covered me."

Since then, a woman has been tormented by the realization that there is no one to care for her grave. In a conversation with a psychotherapist, Katie noted that she feels the real agony of a “childless orphan”.

“I was completely alone and I don’t know what to do with this,” she says. “When my mother was alive, I helped her with shopping and cleaning. When she got cancer, I visited her in the hospital almost every day - it’s like was my second job. Now mom is gone, and I no longer have the meaning of life. "

When my friends or colleagues complain that they are being torn apart by children and elderly parents, I listen, nod my head, but never comment. "Their problems once again make me think about the meaning of my own life, about its worthlessness."

“What burdens women of the“ sandwich generation ”becomes almost a blue dream for single and childless children,” comments Jody Day. “The absence of blood relatives makes them black sheep among peers. Although, I suppose, this is a manifestation of the basic human instinct - want to be part of the family, feel your roots.

Unfortunately, in society, the situation of Katie is not considered to be some kind of grief, on the contrary, someone will even call her lucky, because she is not burdened with anything and is still young enough. However, these considerations lose sight of how important it is for many women to take care of someone, to give their love and support. Even if you are married, your husband cannot replace your parents or children. Yes, you can take care of each other and love, but this is a relationship of a different plan.

Today, the cult of parenthood reigns in society, ”the psychotherapist continues. - You can try your best, succeed at work, be a successful business woman, but if you are childless and alone, all your achievements are taken for granted or completely depreciated. A woman’s parental status is placed above her personal success. "

“Now I only have a husband”: the story of Elizabeth

Elizabeth is 51 years old. She is married, but she and her husband did not become parents - her husband Elizabeth is infertile.

“We did pretty well with this, but it all crashed when I was 40: within one year I lost both parents,” the woman says. “Since then I feel heartbroken: I have no more blood relatives. brothers, neither sisters, nor nephews - I was the only child in the family.

When I turned fifty, I thought: “Well, that’s it, now I will have more in common with friends and colleagues of my age, their children have finally grown up!” But all their conversations went on to the stories of grandchildren or of elderly parents. I cannot join and say: “I know what you are talking about!”. It remains only to remain silent and nod knowingly. "

“Being the exact opposite of the sandwich generation is difficult,” says Jodi Day. “I have worked with thousands of such women. Despite the fact that many of them have come to terms with their sad fate, most of all they would like to be heard and understood by society” .

"I am almost resigned to guilt and loneliness": the story of Leslie

The next heroine is 57-year-old Leslie. The absence of children prompted her to write a book for other such unhappy women on how to find the strength to live and enjoy being a "childless orphan".

“I had to come to terms not only with the fact that I would never have children, but also with a terrible feeling of guilt and even shame,” Leslie said. “My parents died without waiting for their grandchildren. Dad loved the children very much, he always nursed with the children of my cousins ​​and was looking forward to the day when I became a grandfather. I really wanted to make him happy with the appearance of a grandson or granddaughter, but I still could not get pregnant. Even after six attempts at IVF.

In 2006, Mom died of Parkinson's disease, she was 74 years old. When this happened, Dad couldn't even cry. I, too, kept all the pain and tears in myself, I preferred to shove this sorrowful feeling deeper - to where my broken dream lay to be a mother. "

In 2014, at the age of 84, Leslie's father also died of cancer.

“When dad left, I couldn’t find the strength to restrain myself,” the woman shares. “The grief that accumulated over the years covered me with a head. At first I couldn’t even fully understand what it was like to have neither parents nor children. In my head there was only one question: how to live on now? Do not go crazy and get out of depression helped me a long psychotherapy and chatting with the same unfortunate on the Internet.

My husband is a wonderful person, and our relationship can be called ideal. But, despite this, I do not leave the feeling of loneliness with which I am still trying to reconcile. Although I work hard to stay afloat and not lose heart. What can I recommend to those who find themselves in the same situation? Do not ignore your grief, live it, acknowledge this pain and, if possible, communicate with those who understand your feelings well. "

"Mourning parents and can't calmly look at young children": Ann's story

Anne has always dreamed of a baby. For many years a woman struggled with infertility and once she even managed to get pregnant. But Ann could not know the joy of motherhood: in the middle of her term, her long-awaited pregnancy was terminated. Doctors told her that another attempt would not end in anything good - there were no more hopes.

“It was very difficult for me to accept the fact that I could never have children,” says Anne. “And when my parents died one after the other, it seemed to crush me with a huge anvil. It was a very difficult test.

I am now 56 years old. Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I had children and grandchildren. Probably, it would be very rich and interesting. Although I won’t say that my husband and I live bored: we have enough time and opportunities for travel, hobbies and communication. Both of us had to accept our childless life as it is, extracting something good from the current situation. "

1. Financial reasons

Money problems and financial instability are one of the main reasons why people prefer life without children. It also includes housing-related difficulties, as most young couples are not able to buy an apartment at their age. Young people first seek to build a career, and only then they think about children and a full-fledged family.

2. There is no suitable partner

Difficulties in character, different outlooks on life, a reclusive lifestyle - all these can be the reasons that people do not find a suitable partner for creating a family. They prefer life alone, or in a small circle of their friends.Although, in the modern world there are ways and means to conceive children without a partner, but not everyone agrees to such a step.

It can be difficult for a woman to live without children

It is not easy for a woman to live a childless life. Many different questions are pouring on her, because many people cannot believe that a woman would not have a desire to have a child. In addition, it is assumed that the desire for motherhood is programmed in every woman. That they have a congenital maternal instinct, which is especially felt when a woman is near infants or at the time of pregnancy. But the number of women for whom this is not so is growing. They just do not feel like a mother, even next to other children. And in fact, there is no scientific evidence that maternal instinct exists.

Two of the most influential women in politics, Theresa May and Angela Merkel, also have no children. They try not to comment on their personal lives. But as their close associates declare, the whole point is their excessive employment and career ambitions. But for the media, this is not a significant reason, and they regularly turn their attention to the inferior life of these famous personalities.

No need to blame men and women who do not have children

We need to change attitudes towards men and women who do not have children. Jody Day, author of the book "Life Awaiting", advocates for the inclusion of discussions on this topic in sexuality education curricula in schools. He wants to change attitudes and views on adults who live life without children. So that they are not considered inferior members of society, selfish individuals and so on.

Let's stop talking about women, or about men without children, as about selfish and not full-fledged people. Recognizing such a life is not always a person’s personal choice. Women and men without children should feel comfortable in society. They should be able to reconcile with another life, if they need it. And lead a full life, free from judgment and contempt.

1. Find your way

Infertility or any circumstances leading to childlessness can cause you a lot of negative feelings and emotions. In this situation, many psychologists recommend more communication and interaction with other people. Understanding that you are not alone, and there are people around you who are ready to help and support you, is a key point, in addition, it will be even better if you find people with similar problems. Because the realization that not only you have faced such a problem, and the ability to communicate with people who understand and support you, will be a powerful incentive to maintain a positive attitude in life.

Communication is the key to most of life's problems, and yours in particular. And, although it may not be easy to talk about what you went through and be ashamed of it. But communication with people going through the same experience will be an invaluable gift for you. Therefore, find a place where you can express your deepest fears, feelings and anxieties.

2. Focus on what you can control

Life without children is possible if you find a different meaning in life. I have a friend who has faced the problem of infertility. She wanted to have children only from a loved one. But due to health problems, nothing came of her. She began to neglect other areas of her life that previously brought her joy and happiness. As a result, she lost the meaning of life. When she turned to me for help, I first advised her to start playing sports and what had previously brought her pleasure. After she again began to engage in sports and her hobbies, her renewed desire to build a career. Also, her passion for life returned, and new goals and plans in life appeared, and the problem of childlessness ceased to bother her.

3. Take care of yourself and your body

Personal care is one of the most important things you can do in a given situation. Proper nutrition, diet and exercise can be a great way to regain control of yourself and your thoughts. Feel free to pamper yourself with a good meal. More often go for walks, relax more in the fresh air, interact more with positive and cheerful people.

4. Time heals

I think you all heard that phrase. And it really works. At first it will be difficult for you to live with the idea that you will not have children, but over time, when you find a different meaning in life, you will think less about your problem. Then life without children will not seem so gloomy to you. Therefore, you need time, and become a busy person as soon as possible. And do what you really will benefit.

5. Find the person to whom you will give your love and care

It can be your romantic partner, relative, friend or good acquaintance. Find a person with whom you can have fun. Try to live and enjoy with him. If this is your romantic partner, then enjoy each other’s company, start traveling, arrange romantic evenings. Think about getting a pet and look after it. In general, find someone to whom you can give your love and care. Then you will realize that you can really live a happy, fulfilling and purposeful life without children.

“Why don't you have children?”

How often have I heard this question during the 5 years of my marriage!

As a rule, it was asked by completely strangers: distant relatives, potential employers at interviews, forgotten old acquaintances - all those whom it did not concern at all.

I was nervous, angry, depressed. I tried to joke in response, lied, rude ...

Once I thought:

Why should I be uncomfortable? After all, it’s not me who unceremoniously climb into someone else’s intimate life. Let them be uncomfortable!

Since then, every time I was asked why we did not have a baby, I answered directly: “I have infertility”.

This was usually followed by a pause. Apparently, no one expected such a frank answer.

In fact, most people think that infertility is due to some incurable disease, congenital malformations, severe consequences of surgery or abortion.

But this is not always the case. But what if there are no visible and objective reasons.

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It so happened that I got married early. My husband was 4 years older than me, but he, of course, was not yet mature enough to start a family.

Then we did not think about children

I studied, he took the first steps on a career ladder. Only at every family holiday did her husband’s relatives ask: “When are you planning. "

We replied that we were not in a hurry. In addition, I had a wonderful excuse: First you need to graduate from university.

After some time, we decided: “Why not?” At first we simply refused contraception, but a year passed, but for some reason it didn’t work out.

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The scientific and unscientific methods were used:

  • special poses
  • basal temperature chart
  • ovulation tests.

Nothing helped

I didn’t go to the doctor directly with this problem - I just talked about it at the next scheduled examination by a gynecologist in a local clinic. It seemed to me that my complaints were not taken seriously. Maybe it was all about my age: we thought it was too early to worry.

The gynecologist explained: to get a referral to a specialist in a state clinic, you need to pass a number of tests and go through the doctors list. The list was, as far as I remember, not so big, but only in reality it turned out to be not so simple and fast.

For example, it takes at least three months to sow menstrual blood for tuberculosis.

In order to test hormones, it’s also several months (not only do they have to be taken at a certain time of the cycle, that is, you first need to wait for the right day, and that they do them for a month, because I also lost my results - I had to start all over again )

Six months of queues

In general, I ran with this list for about six months. The last point remained - the conclusion of the therapist.

And then the fun began: every time I came to the therapist with a request to finally put an end to my legwork, they sent me to do some more analysis, do some more ultrasound, and go see some other specialist.

The first couple of times seemed to me just an annoying misunderstanding, but the farther, the stronger it seemed to me that they were simply fooling me and were not going to give me any direction.

I suspect that the flow of patients to the state clinic was deliberately limited, and by some parameters (possibly by age) I did not fall into the category of women who had a chance to get a referral.

However, maybe this is just my invention, and I just had no luck with the doctor.

One way or another, but after another hours of duty under the therapist’s door and a new referral to a specialist, my nerves could not stand it. I returned home in hysteria. And she didn’t go to the clinic anymore.

Relax…

“Let go of the situation, don’t think about it for a while,” the relatives advised. I did just that — I took up studies and work. That's just the husband’s family continued to pester with the question: “Well, when you already. "

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I don’t remember how much time passed before I again attempted to see a doctor. I tried to “break through” to the state clinic without a referral - it didn’t work.

I tried to be examined by another gynecologist, who treated me with greater sympathy. All the tests I had were good, no abnormalities or diseases that could cause infertility were found. They told me: "Let the spouse be examined."

Although it is believed that a man should be checked first, all this time I did not insist that my husband also consult a doctor. For some reason, I was sure that the reason was in me. But I didn’t find anything ...

Or maybe it's a husband?

The husband pulled for a long time with the examination, but he also passed the tests. They were not great, but they were not bad either. It was clear: we need a specialist, a reproductologist.

If you don’t get to the state clinic, then you have to go to a commercial one. But on this issue, the husband’s position was categorical from the very beginning: the task of a commercial clinic is to pump out the maximum amount of money from the client, and the effectiveness of the treatment is low (he judged from the experience of one of his friends).

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Persuasion took more than a year. In the end, he agreed. I made an appointment with us at one of the commercial clinics. The recording was for three months.

A week before ...

And so, when there was only a week left before the appointed visit and a little more - until the fifth anniversary of our wedding, my husband left me. To a woman with a child from her first marriage. He later admitted: I pressed too hard on him.

My world collapsed. After all, I sincerely intended to live with this person all my life.

And it was from him that I wanted a child. I remember how upset I was outraged when one of the doctors in response to my complaints said: "Change partner."

Life in total darkness

Several years after the divorce, I lived as if in pitch darkness. At first there was a period of self-flagellation and self-destruction. He was replaced by panic and obsession.

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At some point, my conviction formed: the only thing that can make me happy is a child. The man is near today, and tomorrow is not, the child will remain with me. Men are inconsistent in their feelings, and children, even when they are growing up, still continue to love their parents.

This idea - to give birth to a baby "for yourself" - has become obsessive. All my thoughts were subordinate to her.

I needed a man (more precisely, a test tube with material) - and I found a man. He had no money - I kept him.

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Sewed on soap?

He didn’t have a permanent job - I got him in a company where I worked myself (though he didn’t work there for a long time). He didn’t have a profession - I paid him a driving school so that he could work as a driver as he wanted (only he never passed his license).

No, he was not an alcoholic, drug addict, or anything like that. He was what is called a "creative person."

He even had good inclinations. But he was too lazy to realize his potential. And too far from reality to think about such things as money, housing, food.

The fact that “normal” relations we did not succeed was clear from the very beginning, but I didn’t need it. The hope that pregnancy will occur naturally, also did not materialize. However, I was ready for this, because I was still sure that the whole problem was in me.

I convinced him to go to a commercial clinic. We were examined. Together treated for infection. It was then that it turned out that my partner had almost no live sperm. They did not investigate me further.

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The doctor said: "Only IVF + ICSI"

Probably for me it was most reasonable to find another man. But I was about to turn thirty, and I did not want to spend a few more years searching and developing the next relationship. I decided not to give up.

To do IVF, you need to be officially married. I had to register our relationship.

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He doubted for a long time. I don’t know what convinced him all the same - my money (because financially he depended heavily on me) or my tears.

While we were taking tests and I saved up money for IVF, his affairs went uphill. He was entrenched in a new job (by the way, he found it himself and was delighted with it, since she allowed him to use her creative abilities), he was raised his salary.

A a few months after registering our marriage, he stated that he had changed his mind. I told him that he was not obliged to see the child if he did not want to, explained that I could provide for myself and the baby, swore that I would never ask him for help, but it was all in vain.

“I don’t want my child somewhere,” he said.

So again, when there was only a step left until my dream came true, I was left with nothing.

Maybe I'm trying too hard?

This is where the realization came: maybe I'm trying too hard? The more effort I put in, the further I get from my intended goal. If this is only worse, maybe I shouldn't do anything else?

It seemed to clear in my head. I no longer made any long-term plans. I took care of myself, bought things that I could not afford when I spent money on drugs and saved money on IVF, and traveled to Europe.

I read articles and books on psychology, trying to understand myself, to understand at what point I turned on the wrong road. It became obvious to me that my desire to have a baby was selfish in nature.

After all, I did not think at all about what it would be like for him to grow up without a father, how much he would be deprived of if brought up in an incomplete family.

Finally, MY

It was then, on the basis of a passion for psychology, that I met My Man.

Our romance began completely unexpectedly. When it became clear that this was serious, I informed him of my infertility.

He said: “I believe that any disease can be cured. You will definitely have children. ”

It should be clarified that he is perhaps the only person in my environment who truly cares about his health:

  • has been practicing yoga for many years,
  • tries to eat right (he is an adherent of the separate nutrition system and an ovolacto-vegetarian),
  • regularly takes vitamins and dietary supplements.

He told me that there were cases when people, having changed their lifestyle and started practicing yoga, were cured of cancer and other serious diseases.

I was skeptical of this information, but thought: “Maybe try. " And asked him to help me.

He showed me a set of exercises, including elements of yoga, found suitable dietary supplements for me, and advised on nutrition issues.

New life by the new rules

I honestly tried to comply with all his "instructions" and even refused meat, which at first glance seemed impossible. Not that all these measures were aimed specifically at the treatment of infertility, but rather at the general improvement of the body.

In addition to physical health, we did not forget about spiritual development. My Man introduced me to the books of the famous psychologist Mikhail Efimovich Litvak, which helped me rethink my entire previous life and begin to build these new relationships without making previous mistakes.

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So it took more than six months. One night I woke up from severe pain in the lower abdomen. I had previously had painful menstruation, but there were still ten days left before the new cycle (I have a clear cycle, almost no failures). What else could it be?

I barely waited in the morning

She didn’t call an ambulance, she went to the hospital herself. I was examined - appendicitis was excluded, gynecological diseases too. They gave spasmalgon and sent home.

The pain did not stop. I again went to the hospital, and again the doctors did not tell me anything intelligible.

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When I complained to my sister about my malaise (she is my doctor), I mentioned that the gynecologist at the ultrasound scan saw a small bundle in my uterus. “Maybe you're pregnant? - suggested the sister. - Do the test ".

I replied: "This is impossible." But the test did. It was too early to talk about the delay, and I bought the most sensitive test that I found in the pharmacy. Imagine my surprise when the result was positive!

The next few months were a serious test. I was tormented by severe pains, the cause of which no one explained to me. Something unconvincing was said about the implantation of a fetal egg, but the pain continued for several weeks. There was no uterine tone.

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I was always afraid of a miscarriage

Doctors did not believe that I, with my story (well, pregnancy after six years of infertility!), Could bear a child. I had to work at home, I almost never went anywhere. So passed the first trimester.

And then, oddly enough, everything worked out. That is, not everything went perfectly, there were minor difficulties, but no worse than others. And by the way, for the entire pregnancy, I never went to the hospital.

At the beginning of 2015, I had a girl. As it turned out, motherhood is even greater happiness than I imagined. And I am very glad that my daughter is growing up in a complete family.

Happinnes exists…

I don’t know if I really had infertility and I managed to cure it, or my previous partners had problems.

Now, when I look back at my past, I recall the words of M.E. Litvak already mentioned above: “Happiness is a byproduct of well-organized activities”.

I think that not every goal should be taken by storm. Happiness came to me not when I was desperately pursuing him, but only when I understood my thoughts and adjusted my life.

To those who are faced with a similar situation, I want to say: stop and look around - is everything all right with you?

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Take care of yourself, improve your health, establish personal relationships, get involved in a business that you really like, and only then, with fresh strength, with the support of loved ones, begin to solve the problem of your infertility.

Then you will be led to a cherished dream not by exhausting battles, but by planned and thoughtful steps, and possible failures will not threaten the only meaning of your life, but will only help you find the right path.

Eve comments:

Novikova Elena Vladimirovna

Gynecologist-reproductologist, 1 qualification category, candidate of medical sciences

Perhaps, in fact, the first partners had problems with reproduction. But in this situation, our heroine suffered the most. And then, as sometimes happens in our practice, the so-called “psychological” infertility happened.

Moreover, this factor is very difficult to overcome. It's great that you succeeded, thanks first of all to your soul mate, to overcome this barrier and become a mother! Good luck in the contest.


Contest organizers:

Infertility is not a sentence, or how a new ray of light appeared in my life

After the hospital, I went to a psychologist, since I could no longer cope with it myself. Father and mother shyly hid their eyes when they met, and the brothers and sister had long gone their own ways: the sister also quickly got married, she was three years older, and I already had a nephew. It would seem that here she is a native outlet, but it was not that. My sister rarely gave me time to stay with the baby, and in the end he hardly knew me, but the brothers were in no hurry to get married. And I was all alone. It is only strange that the family moved away from me, as if I were contagious. Therefore, the psychologist has become an ideal option.

I was looking forward to meeting a stranger with pleasure to blur everything that torments me and finally burst into tears, as in films. But the conversation went about something completely different. The psychologist turned out to be an energetic and vibrant woman who seemed to want to give me a kick during the conversation and my complaints. At the end of the conversation, she made for me a whole plan "to get out of a protracted depression":

  1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Pitying ourselves, we become weaker and more vulnerable, therefore it is much easier to break us. It is necessary to become stronger, to temper the will, character, and then everything will be adjusted. Life loves the strong, and it treads the weak.
  2. Find what works best and develop professionally in this area. Work will protect you from mental problems better than any medicine.
  3. Have a rest. He must be active with a constant change of activity. Hiking in the mountains, where I will be forced to survive on my own for at least a day, is what I need.
  4. Pass all your heartache , which turned into an unspent desire to have a child and give him warmth, to those who need it: go to a hospice, orphanage or baby house.

We parted strangely, after I wrote down all the recommendations, she looked at me for a long time and said: "We must believe and wait, and then everything will be resolved in the best way."

And then she showed a photo on her desk: a happy snub-nosed baby, as bright as an angel, smiled from him.

“Your daughter,” my heart ached.

“Now mine,” the psychologist answered and said quietly. - When despair peaked, I just went to the orphanage and adopted her. And she was waiting for me, believing and waiting.

I came out inspired with hope and began to bring the whole list to life. She graduated from the university, became a senior educator, even drove away with her parents, and most importantly, found the nearest orphanage and, having bought goodies, went to the children.

The fact that I was happy, it means to say nothing. Children surrounded me and vied with each other twittering, and the teachers smiled. I myself laughed and played with them until late in the evening. But my baby was not among them. Till…

And then one day I saw him - Artem. He also brought treats and toys to the orphanage. We got into a conversation and realized that one thing connected us. We both want to be parents and both are infertile, as Artyom’s sperm are too weak, and I, with my whole pipe, are generally disabled. But it was not common grief that united us, it was just love ...

Day after day, and now we are already married, I don’t want to talk about him and us - after all, happiness loves silence. As if Artyom was always there, he became my mirror, and I completely forgot about my problem, but we did not leave the kids, we also fussed with them on weekends. And finally, after a year of our life together, we saw Sasha. Pugnacious, strong and like a hedgehog, ruffled. He got here after the accident and remained an orphan. After the first evening with him and the children, Artyom smiled at me, it seemed he read my thoughts: "This is ours, Allochka, our son."

We immediately applied for adoption, and two years later a miracle happened.I became pregnant, on my own, just when the three of us lived, rejoiced, raised Sasha, and I stopped trying and suffered from my heavy burden.

There are four of us now: me and my three most beloved men of different ages. We laugh, argue, care about each other, joke and even fight. We also love to walk in nature, and I always return home with three huge armfuls of flowers: from Artem, Sasha and little Vanya.

Now I know for sure that the diagnosis of infertility is not the end, but only the beginning of the difficult path of working on oneself, and everything will work out, because at any time you should always strive for light.

Watch the video: WHATS IN MY BAG. HACKER T DOG (February 2020).

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